My Baking Guide for Morons

So few things on the internet both me enough I feel I need to rant and rave about them for more than a couple minutes. This, however, has had me pissed off long enough to make a cake, eat a cake, and then post about it.

LAZY BAKING OUT OF BOXES IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND SOMEONE DECIDED TO MAKE IT WORSE. Seriously, is the only thing preventing you from eating TWO CAKES in nightly, cup sized increments ease of access? IS THAT YOUR PROBLEM, INTERNET? God fucking... I hate this so much I am inarticulate! THIS IS WHY THE WORLD HATES US.

So to show you exactly how easy it is to make coffee mug cake BECAUSE IT AINT THAT FUCKING HARD, I've made this nice guide with pictures and everything for STUPID PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU, DUNCAN FUCKING HINES.

GRAAAAHHHHHHH

1) Find a mug. It doesn't have to be this big, but you need a mug. YOU HAVE A MUG.

2) Find a Tablespoon and some flour. Put four tablespoons of flour in your mug. YOU HAVE A MUG WITH FLOUR IN IT.

 3) Find some sugar. Put four tablespoons of that in the mug. NOW YOU'VE GOT FLOUR AND SUGAR IN YOUR MUG... stupid.

4) Hot coco mix, get three big'ol tablespoons of that all up in your mug. OKAY I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE.

5) Find your salt. It doesn't have to be as fancy as my salt, I won't judge. And I don't mean "salt of the earth" like "I'm stupid, I eat cake from boxes," I mean actual fucking salt. Put a big pinch in your mug.

6) Get baking powder, shield it from the sun while you take a picture, put two pinches of that in your mug. Only you don't actually have to take a picture.

7) One egg. One "I'm better than you" egg. Crack that jerk, stick him in your mug. Show him who's boss.

8) Make sure your milk isn't sour, then put three tablespoons in with all this other junk in yo' mug.

9) Tablespoon of veggie oil comes next. Or melted crisco, if you just want all the cholesterol ever.

10) See, all that stuff is in your mug. Don't worry, this takes like 30 seconds. Be patient, we'll get there. Grab a fork.

11) Mix all that junk up with the fork. Technically you should whisk it, but I know you're bad at this, so we'll call it mixing so I don't scare you off.

12) Look! All mixed! Couple chunks or bubbles are fine, but it should look like this.

13) Put whatever the hell you want in your cake.

Chocolate fudge: yes

Cinnamon: yes

Garlic: no

Instant stuffing: no

Caramel sauce: yes

Peanut butter: yes

Beer: maybe? I mean, if you need beer in your cake, maybe just have a beer.

Spinach: no

13) Stick that mug full of junk in the microwave

14) Give it a minute and thirty seconds, then an additional 30 seconds if the cake is goopey. Keep doing that till your cake looks like cake.

15) Stare wistfully out the window while your cake cooks. Dream of cake.

16) Eat your cake like the fatass you are.