I wrote this to someone who- fuck it, you read the title. I liked it so much cause I'm in love with my own writing and because it could go to any number of people, that I decided to post it here with a little faith that it'll end up where it need to go.
---
Hey.
I just wanted to say a couple things. And I hope this isn't long or long winded. And I hope my timing doesn't suck. Like, I hope I'm not sending this on the day you also find out your dog has cancer or your book ends badly and you see this and are like "Oh christ, why now?" Also, I'm rambling a little because I think I'm nervous. I'm debating, while I write this intro that is defeating my own wish that this not be long or long winded, if I should tell you anything about what's happened in my life since you-know-when.
I don't think I will.
If your curiosity overcomes you and you need to know, ask M---. He's been here the whole time, but I also trust him to be heterosexual enough to shrug and be like "I dunno, dude, a lot." Because I need to tell you this one big thing, but I don't want to talk to you. I don't want you in my life. We were bad for each other. Really, really bad. Abusively bad, and that is not an accusation I make lightly. So the same way alcoholics don't have even just one glass, I don't want to have even just one conversation. I don't want to reopen that door, not even a little.
And also, if you and I talk, it ruins my fantasy. Not that you'll get hit by a bus. I want to believe that you are happy. I want to think that you have friends, and that you do things that fulfill you, and that you've learned to stick up for yourself when someone is being mean, and that you've learned to forgive people for the stupid things they say. I want to believe that whoever is sharing your life right now makes you happy, that she (or he) looks at you with eyes full of wonder, and never wants to let go of you, and more than anything else makes you feel wonderful about yourself. Not validated because she (or he) loves you, not in a way that your life's meaning is couched in her (or him). I just hope that they love you enough that you wake up every day knowing that you are worth loving. And I know this sounds like an "Ermahgerd ah misssssssh yerh" kind of thing and it's not. Because I don't want to talk to you, remember? But here's the thing I wanted to say: I'm sorry for the way I made you feel. I'm sorry I dug my heels in over stupid shit all the time, I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, but most of all I'm sorry I spent so much time being angry at you when all you did was demand something better than the abuse I was dishing out. You get a lot of crap in your life. "You" here being the abstract pronoun standing in for everyone, because crap is not something that discriminates. And without going into details about how, I moved on.
I hope you did too.
I hope you have an adventure. I hope you learn to love yourself unconditionally and still admit when you've been wrong. I hope your heart becomes durable enough to let everyone in and not break when you let them back out. I hope you bury your toes in the sand of a foreign beach. I hope you learn a new language. I hope you nap in the December sunshine with your arms around someone beautiful. I hope you see something big enough to make you feel insignificant. I hope you make something wonderful enough to be proud of. I hope you love yourself, because no one is going to love you always unless you do, too. And I hope that you never think of me because I don't need you to. But if you slip, and we all slip, I want you to think of me happy, because I am, and I want that for you, too.
-C
