Being gross: There's an app for that

So I’ll admit it, because as many jokes as we make, no one else wants to. I have a Tinder account. I also have a Lets Date, which I actually started back in January. And while the two apps are functionally the same thing, turns out in the aggregate, people men are nicer on Lets Date than on Tinder. Lets Date people genuinely want to date. They’re interested in who you are as a person, they want to know your likes and dislikes, and they want to buy you dinner. Tinder people are only concerned about your likes and dislikes insofar as they pertain to sexual fetishes, and they most they’re interested in springing for is a drink. Possibly with a roofie. So once Let’s Date had dried up and I had effectively gotten bored with everyone in the Denver area willing to buy me dinner (there was one person it would have genuinely been nice to spend time with, but he lived in Nebraska which might as well have been Pluto), I signed up on Tinder for shits and giggles, and then made my discovery that EVERYONE ON TINDER IS GROSS. Basically it’s the straight person’s Grindr, and if you don’t know what that is, I highly suggest you google it. I’m still using it, though, because it’s fun to be shallow and judge people based on a snapshot and yes I know I’m going to Hell or whatever the ambivalent agnostic’s equivalent is. Maybe it’s reincarnation in Nebraska. Also, I have complied a list of things that will get people’s attention on this shallow app and what will promptly end the conversation.

Girls:

Getting liked:

Being petite (or appearing small)

Being white

Being slightly nerdy

Smiling

Boobs

Evidence of a pulse

Bone structure

Getting blocked:

Accidentally typing “heh” instead of “hey”

A large vocabulary

Being an actual nerd

Talking about your senior thesis

Talking about Marxism, Burkean Rhetoric, Fordism, etc

Talking about literally anything other than sex after the first 24 hours of contact

Guys:

Getting liked:

Having your stars line up

Shirtless pictures

Sunglasses

A dog

Being some kind of athlete

Being employed

Brooding

Smiling

Evidence of a pulse

Getting blocked:

Using “describe your sexual fantasies” as an opener

Using “So are you into Star Wars role playing?” as an opener

Using “We should have a baby and name it Alex” as an opener

Using “I have a boner” as an opener

Demanding naked pics

Not understanding and not pretending to care about Marxism, Burkean Rhetoric, Fordism, etc

Calling yourself “a less murdery Patrick Bateman”

Of course, these are just personal observations. But I don’t think I would recommend Tinder to anyone. Unless your dream guy is “a less murdery Patrick Bateman.”