There is absolutely no reason I should like this music video as much as I do

Ok, this is me NOT going to the gym like a said I would this morning and instead updating my blog again like I said I was trying to get better at. So I'm kinda 1 for 2 right now.

Anyway, this is the video I'm talking about:

Now, if you know me (and if you're reading this, you probably do), you know I'm what you might call "quirky" if you're being nice, a "hipster" if you're ignoring the distinction that I really genuinely like stupid and banal shit as a form of escapism instead of an ironic statement about some political crap, or an "elitist" if you're being honest. I mean, cause I totally am. I am arrogant as all fuck (God, I hope my mom doesn't read this - I swear too much). If you like something, and it doesn't sound like something I would like even if you have previously introduced me to stuff I'm now crazy about, my reaction will range from polite avoidance to blatant "NO. DO NOT WANT." My friends Oliver and Claire might have noticed this, cause whenever I'm over and they suggest we watch something I'm not sure I like, I always suggest something safer. They play along with my rigidity nicely, but I'm sure they notice.

But Ex Boyfriend got the worst of this. He was the one who showed me this two minute and fifty-six second video in the first place, and do you know how long it took him? MONTHS. Seriously, less than three minutes, and I dug my heels in so much, that in the end he had to come back to Colorado and physically restrain me in front of a computer before I would watch it. Now, in my defense, I've learned by now that when Ex Boyfriend prefaces something with "You have to see this, it's soooo funny," it's either gruesome, like the story about a bunny getting shoved through a chain link fence he told me over my screams of horror once, or it's stupid like a gif of a cat hitting a dog with a baseball bat. So by this past summer, at which point we've known each other for 6 years, dated for 4, since split so I have to deal with as much of his crazy as I want to (we remain friends, which is why I can say this and also not be afraid of posting it on my facebook), I know that Ex Boyfriend's ratio of things I'll like to things I won't like on his suggestion list is abysmal. I think the odds of him showing me something I'll like on the first time around are roughly the same as winning small change in the lotto. Like, it'll happen, but not with enough frequency for it really to be worth my time. Anyway, he and my brother ended up sitting on me on the couch so I couldn't get away while they showed me Lonely Island Music Videos. And this one almost made me pee my pants.

Really, I should not like this video. I don't find mainstream humor funny at all. You can name every "comedy" movie out there, and I can think of one that I like: Tropic Thunder (because of Tom Cruise). Every other funny movie I like is mixed with some other genre. So a couple of SNL comedians shouldn't tickle my fancy. Besides, I can't remember the last time I found SNL funny. And while I'll admit that I do have some pretty pedestrian likes in music (I claim to balance it out with my love of 1940s jazz), I'm not a big fan of whatever Akon does. There are a couple songs he's done with other artists that I have on my workout playlist (fuuuuuuuuuuu I'm supposed to be at the gym), but as a general rule, I avoid him and his genre. And most of all, I do not like rap. Or at least I didn't when I first heard this song. Now, because I've discovered my love of performance/slam poetry, if the lyrics are good and there's a catchy chorus, I can put up with it. But last summer - NOPE. So to recap: don't like the genre of humor, don't like the artists, don't like the genre of music. Shouldn't like the song.

But here's why I do: it's about sex. See, I've previously mentioned that I'm a prude to the nth degree, but I actually have a very liberal opinion of sex. I don't care who's having it, I don't care how much you're having, and as long as I'm even a little fond of you, I don't mind hearing about it from you. Subject for a different post, but I would much rather hear the nitty gritty of your sex life than your religion or politics. So prude only in my own practice, and that's a totally different issue. Sex is, in my opinion, the most powerful of all human social interactions and the most compelling bodily function after food, sleep, and sometimes shelter. And while I acknowledge that sex has the potential to transcend its own logistics (Insert part A into slot B, repeat until sweaty. Satisfaction not guaranteed with every transaction) and become something beautiful (I think the common colloquialism here is "making love"but that just sounds so foofy to me), most of the time it's just going to be sex. Not only is it just going to be sex, it'll probably be awkward, elbowy, "Is that ok?" sex. And despite the fact that most of the sex we have, especially non-committal sex because every lover is different, is going to be bad, or at least mediocre, we keep on pursuing it. That, to me, is funny. It's funny that somehow we have high expectations, that we keep on chasing it, and that we idolize it even in the face of a couple millennia of our own futility. Also, when you totally decontextualize sex, the sweating, groaning, and jerky movements are so awkward that how can you do anything but laugh? 

Also, just how into this song Akon and the Lonely Island boys are just makes me loose it. Facial expressions FTW.  

For being the antithesis of athletic, I sure am competitive

Short post this time around. I'm trying to get better at blogging, and I think one of the things that stands in my way a lot is that I want to have coherent narrative that is FUCKING HILARIOUS before I bother putting it on the internet. Thing is, funny/embarrassing shit happens to me all the time in like 30 second blurbs, so I should share that with all two of you who read this. Actually, I probably shouldn't, as a lot of these hilarious/humiliating things are a little too revealing for my buttoned-up self. Case in point: I got really drunk Monday and woke up in the basement. To put that in context, I sleep upstairs. That's funny, but also mortifying. And now the whole internet knows and I'm seriously considering not posting because of that ONE SENTENCE.

Guys, I think I have some issues that need dealing with.

Anyway, that post I was talking about. So tonight I went with my dad to the DU hockey game, and except for the last ten minutes of the second period, it wasn't an enthralling game. But nevertheless, my dad and I were standing in the middle of the opposing team's section and screaming our heads off at everything. Now, I'm not an athlete in any stretch of the imagination. Unless they've made video games and actual sport (pizza's a vegetable now, folks. It's only a matter of time.), I make the cast of the Big Bang Theory look like the Harlem Globetrotters. But despite lacking enough coordination to get the fork into my mouth 1/3 of the time, I realized tonight that I am hyper competitive about the weirdest things, hockey games I have no control over being the least of them. So I present to you a short list of things I'm unnecessarily competitive about.

Side quests on video games. Playing through Mass Effect right now (shut up, Eric.), and my need to finish them and finish them quickly border on the neurotic. And I say that this is competitive, because I do this in other games, too. On my next play through, and god knows there will be another play through, I'll have to do all the side quests again even though I know how they end, and if I don't do them faster this time, I'll get mad at myself. I watch my play through times on games with multiple plays to beat myself. And bear in mind, this means hours. Hours, folks. Between all my play throughs of the first Dragon Age, I've logged at least enough time to get an extra college degree.

Grades This one at least isn't so weird. Or a least I know I'm not the only one who does it. My academic philosophy is "You don't have to be faster than the bear, just faster than your slowest friend." Which makes no sense since the professor isn't trying to eat the class (again, bears on the blog. GUYS I HAVE WEIRD ISSUES), but it more or less translates into "You don't have to be smarter than the professor, just smarter than most of the class. And since I've got a 4.0, it works. I gauge how much work I put into the class by exactly how smart everyone else seems.

Sex... or at least opportunities to have sex And we're back to the weird shit again. Ok, in case you haven't clued in on this one, I'm more or less insane. So when I've been involved with someone, or even emotionally invested enough to want to be involved with someone, and then it doesn't work out, my competitive psychosis kicks in, and I want to somehow prove I'm better than them by dating as much as possible. I would say sleeping around as much as possible, but I'm like the least physically warm person you've ever met, plus I'm what you'd call "prudish to the point of being a Puritan" so sex never actually enters the equation. But the person I'm pissed at doesn't need to know that, so as long as it looks like I might possibly be more... active? than they are, I'm "winning."

Basically all my hobbies Which are... shit, do I have time for hobbies these days? Let's go with cooking, baking, and being a clever, charming young lady (hey, who said you have to be good at your hobbies?). So whenEVER I see anyone doing any of these things better than me and they aren't older than me, I get a little pissed off. Like I have any control over it. Fortunately, this weird neurosis I'm at least a little better at hiding than the rest of them.

Next time someone asks why I don't want kids, I'm going to point them to this blog and then ask, "What here makes you think I should be responsible for the next generation?"