A functional list of shitty things that I have to deal with

Hey, do you remember how I started this blog to be funny and now I mostly just use it as therapy? Good times... Anyhow, I haven't updated lately, though the last two posts probably make it look like I've been dedicating a lot of time to my exboyfriends. Which isn't the case because school and a shockingly full social life more or less keep me occupied 90% of the time. Also, if I've been dedicating a lot of emotional and mental energy to anything, it's been my post grad plans. I've decided I'm going to move back to Prague to teach English. And as exciting as a thing that is on paper, every day I come up with another stupid reason to be pants-shittingly terrified. So I'm starting a running list here of shitty things that are going to happen and there's no point worrying about them until they actually happen. And they might be a little funny.

1) Problem: All my cooking at home centers around cheese, and the only flavor of cheese I ever found in Prague the first time around was "styrofoam."
How I could avoid it: Pack a second bag only full of cheese. Or learn to make my own.
How I can deal with it like an adult: Learn to cook less dairy-centric food.

2) Problem: I don't speak Czech and I'm not going to have a staff of four locals on call at all times to deal with my petty shit like doctors, taxes, and rent.
How I could avoid it: Marry a local who speaks Czech. Added bonus of making a visa easier to get.
How I can deal with it like an adult: Learn enough Czech while I'm there to survive and practice my "I'm stupid, please pity me" smile.

3) Problem: My ex is going to find out I'm back in the city eventually, and not only is there no foreseeable happy ending to that, I don't want him thinking I moved back in a desperate attempt to win him back.
How I could avoid it: Hide my presence from all our mutual friends, his coworkers, and constantly wear a mask/burqa any place I might run into him.
How I can deal with it like an adult: This one I've mostly figured out already. I don't hate this guy, I really don't. But he served his purpose, and now I'm much happier without him in my life than I ever was with him. Also, every time my brain imagines running into him, I repeat this: "Get coffee with you? That sounds about as much fun as a auto-hysterectomy. And I know English is your second language, so let me explain: I would rather sit in the bathtub and pull my own uterus out than be your friend."Of course, by the time I see him, if I see him, I might not feel that way. Or I might just not see him at all. Basically what I'm saying is, this one I mostly just have to stop thinking about.

4) Problem: I wasn't planning on staying in Prague for very long, I was going to go to Seoul. But now North Korea's being all uppity.

How I could avoid it: Have my grandfather call in a drone strike on Kim Jong Un. He knows people.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Find somewhere else to move. Because Prague is cool, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't go other places when I had the chance.

5) Problem: It's really hard to keep your friendships the same on the other end of the globe.

How I could avoid it: Kidnap all the people I like and bring them with me. In a couple cases, against their own will.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Accept that relationships change, and the people who really genuinely care about me will put in the effort to stay in my life. The only thing I really can do is to find time for them, even if it means waking up at 4 am to skype.

6) Problem: I'm going to teach English, and not only do I speak quickly with big words and a slight lisp, I am not a patient person.

How I could avoid it: I think this one could also be solved by marrying a local, as long as she/he's wealthy enough that I can be a kept woman.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Practice speaking slower and with smaller words, and make a conscious effort to not be sarcastic when my energy and patience run thin.

7) Problem: Everyone else in my life is moving on and turning into adults with houses, careers, and families. I feel like I'm kicking the can down the road.

How I could avoid it: Get a desk job instead, become the Don Draper of whatever industry I enter, alcoholism and philandering included.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Pretend (acknowledge?) that everyone else is just as confused and scared as I am. And while I'm jealous of their picket fences, they'll be jealous of how unattached I am.

8) Problem: There is not a big culinary range in Prague. Don't get me wrong, I love me the hell out of svichkova and goulash, but bye bye ethnic food of any type.

How I could avoid it: Abduct Gordon Ramsay. Keep him chained to my kitchen sink.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Make ethnic friends who can cook it themselves, find all the back alley restaurants that might serve what I want, and learn to cook it myself.

9) Problem: Netflix and Hulu don't work in Prague.

How I could avoid it: Buy Netflix and Hulu. Make them work in Prague.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Pirate all my shows. Learn to do with out.