My Baking Guide for Morons

So few things on the internet both me enough I feel I need to rant and rave about them for more than a couple minutes. This, however, has had me pissed off long enough to make a cake, eat a cake, and then post about it.

LAZY BAKING OUT OF BOXES IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND SOMEONE DECIDED TO MAKE IT WORSE. Seriously, is the only thing preventing you from eating TWO CAKES in nightly, cup sized increments ease of access? IS THAT YOUR PROBLEM, INTERNET? God fucking... I hate this so much I am inarticulate! THIS IS WHY THE WORLD HATES US.

So to show you exactly how easy it is to make coffee mug cake BECAUSE IT AINT THAT FUCKING HARD, I've made this nice guide with pictures and everything for STUPID PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU, DUNCAN FUCKING HINES.

GRAAAAHHHHHHH

1) Find a mug. It doesn't have to be this big, but you need a mug. YOU HAVE A MUG.

2) Find a Tablespoon and some flour. Put four tablespoons of flour in your mug. YOU HAVE A MUG WITH FLOUR IN IT.

 3) Find some sugar. Put four tablespoons of that in the mug. NOW YOU'VE GOT FLOUR AND SUGAR IN YOUR MUG... stupid.

4) Hot coco mix, get three big'ol tablespoons of that all up in your mug. OKAY I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE.

5) Find your salt. It doesn't have to be as fancy as my salt, I won't judge. And I don't mean "salt of the earth" like "I'm stupid, I eat cake from boxes," I mean actual fucking salt. Put a big pinch in your mug.

6) Get baking powder, shield it from the sun while you take a picture, put two pinches of that in your mug. Only you don't actually have to take a picture.

7) One egg. One "I'm better than you" egg. Crack that jerk, stick him in your mug. Show him who's boss.

8) Make sure your milk isn't sour, then put three tablespoons in with all this other junk in yo' mug.

9) Tablespoon of veggie oil comes next. Or melted crisco, if you just want all the cholesterol ever.

10) See, all that stuff is in your mug. Don't worry, this takes like 30 seconds. Be patient, we'll get there. Grab a fork.

11) Mix all that junk up with the fork. Technically you should whisk it, but I know you're bad at this, so we'll call it mixing so I don't scare you off.

12) Look! All mixed! Couple chunks or bubbles are fine, but it should look like this.

13) Put whatever the hell you want in your cake.

Chocolate fudge: yes

Cinnamon: yes

Garlic: no

Instant stuffing: no

Caramel sauce: yes

Peanut butter: yes

Beer: maybe? I mean, if you need beer in your cake, maybe just have a beer.

Spinach: no

13) Stick that mug full of junk in the microwave

14) Give it a minute and thirty seconds, then an additional 30 seconds if the cake is goopey. Keep doing that till your cake looks like cake.

15) Stare wistfully out the window while your cake cooks. Dream of cake.

16) Eat your cake like the fatass you are.

Being gross: There's an app for that

So I’ll admit it, because as many jokes as we make, no one else wants to. I have a Tinder account. I also have a Lets Date, which I actually started back in January. And while the two apps are functionally the same thing, turns out in the aggregate, people men are nicer on Lets Date than on Tinder. Lets Date people genuinely want to date. They’re interested in who you are as a person, they want to know your likes and dislikes, and they want to buy you dinner. Tinder people are only concerned about your likes and dislikes insofar as they pertain to sexual fetishes, and they most they’re interested in springing for is a drink. Possibly with a roofie. So once Let’s Date had dried up and I had effectively gotten bored with everyone in the Denver area willing to buy me dinner (there was one person it would have genuinely been nice to spend time with, but he lived in Nebraska which might as well have been Pluto), I signed up on Tinder for shits and giggles, and then made my discovery that EVERYONE ON TINDER IS GROSS. Basically it’s the straight person’s Grindr, and if you don’t know what that is, I highly suggest you google it. I’m still using it, though, because it’s fun to be shallow and judge people based on a snapshot and yes I know I’m going to Hell or whatever the ambivalent agnostic’s equivalent is. Maybe it’s reincarnation in Nebraska. Also, I have complied a list of things that will get people’s attention on this shallow app and what will promptly end the conversation.

Girls:

Getting liked:

Being petite (or appearing small)

Being white

Being slightly nerdy

Smiling

Boobs

Evidence of a pulse

Bone structure

Getting blocked:

Accidentally typing “heh” instead of “hey”

A large vocabulary

Being an actual nerd

Talking about your senior thesis

Talking about Marxism, Burkean Rhetoric, Fordism, etc

Talking about literally anything other than sex after the first 24 hours of contact

Guys:

Getting liked:

Having your stars line up

Shirtless pictures

Sunglasses

A dog

Being some kind of athlete

Being employed

Brooding

Smiling

Evidence of a pulse

Getting blocked:

Using “describe your sexual fantasies” as an opener

Using “So are you into Star Wars role playing?” as an opener

Using “We should have a baby and name it Alex” as an opener

Using “I have a boner” as an opener

Demanding naked pics

Not understanding and not pretending to care about Marxism, Burkean Rhetoric, Fordism, etc

Calling yourself “a less murdery Patrick Bateman”

Of course, these are just personal observations. But I don’t think I would recommend Tinder to anyone. Unless your dream guy is “a less murdery Patrick Bateman.”

A functional list of shitty things that I have to deal with

Hey, do you remember how I started this blog to be funny and now I mostly just use it as therapy? Good times... Anyhow, I haven't updated lately, though the last two posts probably make it look like I've been dedicating a lot of time to my exboyfriends. Which isn't the case because school and a shockingly full social life more or less keep me occupied 90% of the time. Also, if I've been dedicating a lot of emotional and mental energy to anything, it's been my post grad plans. I've decided I'm going to move back to Prague to teach English. And as exciting as a thing that is on paper, every day I come up with another stupid reason to be pants-shittingly terrified. So I'm starting a running list here of shitty things that are going to happen and there's no point worrying about them until they actually happen. And they might be a little funny.

1) Problem: All my cooking at home centers around cheese, and the only flavor of cheese I ever found in Prague the first time around was "styrofoam."
How I could avoid it: Pack a second bag only full of cheese. Or learn to make my own.
How I can deal with it like an adult: Learn to cook less dairy-centric food.

2) Problem: I don't speak Czech and I'm not going to have a staff of four locals on call at all times to deal with my petty shit like doctors, taxes, and rent.
How I could avoid it: Marry a local who speaks Czech. Added bonus of making a visa easier to get.
How I can deal with it like an adult: Learn enough Czech while I'm there to survive and practice my "I'm stupid, please pity me" smile.

3) Problem: My ex is going to find out I'm back in the city eventually, and not only is there no foreseeable happy ending to that, I don't want him thinking I moved back in a desperate attempt to win him back.
How I could avoid it: Hide my presence from all our mutual friends, his coworkers, and constantly wear a mask/burqa any place I might run into him.
How I can deal with it like an adult: This one I've mostly figured out already. I don't hate this guy, I really don't. But he served his purpose, and now I'm much happier without him in my life than I ever was with him. Also, every time my brain imagines running into him, I repeat this: "Get coffee with you? That sounds about as much fun as a auto-hysterectomy. And I know English is your second language, so let me explain: I would rather sit in the bathtub and pull my own uterus out than be your friend."Of course, by the time I see him, if I see him, I might not feel that way. Or I might just not see him at all. Basically what I'm saying is, this one I mostly just have to stop thinking about.

4) Problem: I wasn't planning on staying in Prague for very long, I was going to go to Seoul. But now North Korea's being all uppity.

How I could avoid it: Have my grandfather call in a drone strike on Kim Jong Un. He knows people.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Find somewhere else to move. Because Prague is cool, but I'd be an idiot if I didn't go other places when I had the chance.

5) Problem: It's really hard to keep your friendships the same on the other end of the globe.

How I could avoid it: Kidnap all the people I like and bring them with me. In a couple cases, against their own will.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Accept that relationships change, and the people who really genuinely care about me will put in the effort to stay in my life. The only thing I really can do is to find time for them, even if it means waking up at 4 am to skype.

6) Problem: I'm going to teach English, and not only do I speak quickly with big words and a slight lisp, I am not a patient person.

How I could avoid it: I think this one could also be solved by marrying a local, as long as she/he's wealthy enough that I can be a kept woman.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Practice speaking slower and with smaller words, and make a conscious effort to not be sarcastic when my energy and patience run thin.

7) Problem: Everyone else in my life is moving on and turning into adults with houses, careers, and families. I feel like I'm kicking the can down the road.

How I could avoid it: Get a desk job instead, become the Don Draper of whatever industry I enter, alcoholism and philandering included.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Pretend (acknowledge?) that everyone else is just as confused and scared as I am. And while I'm jealous of their picket fences, they'll be jealous of how unattached I am.

8) Problem: There is not a big culinary range in Prague. Don't get me wrong, I love me the hell out of svichkova and goulash, but bye bye ethnic food of any type.

How I could avoid it: Abduct Gordon Ramsay. Keep him chained to my kitchen sink.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Make ethnic friends who can cook it themselves, find all the back alley restaurants that might serve what I want, and learn to cook it myself.

9) Problem: Netflix and Hulu don't work in Prague.

How I could avoid it: Buy Netflix and Hulu. Make them work in Prague.

How I can deal with it like an adult: Pirate all my shows. Learn to do with out.