I don't know how long I'll leave this up, but I'm doing that thing I do again. Not walking around the flat in nothing but my boxers (I am actually doing that, it's just not what we're talking about) - that thing where I crowd source my decision making process to the people around me. Normally, I send out a mass text and watch TV as the responses pour in, but this time I'll just stick it here and refer everyone to just read this post.
I'm starting to put some serious thought into moving back to the States for good.
Not, like, immediately, I'm not miserable and I don't need to come home. But I'm getting less and less enamored with this lifestyle. I've written and talked about it a lot - one of my greatest fears is of being transient. I just do not like the feeling of impermanence. Part of it is stuff - sitting in four or five boxes in my mom's basement, I have a really well stocked kitchen with bowls and plates and a pasta maker and all sorts of wonderful cake tins. There are sprinkles and baking cups and frosting tips and wine glasses, a bathroom set that matches, decorative wall mirrors, hand towels, bath towels, letters, my grandma's diamonds, photos, tokens and totems of a happy (if uneventful) life of comfort and stability. The other - and bigger - part is relationships. Not romantic, that's not really a part of my life that's taking priority right now because lets be honest, anything I started right now would end before my 25th birthday. But I have a close collection of friends to spend time with, and even more importantly I have my family there. I miss, more than anything else, the unadulterated glee I would get from a friend calling me up and inviting themself over for dinner that evening. I miss baking well crafted cakes for parties and the happy exhaustion I get to enjoy while everyone tries to talk around the baked deliciousness currently shutting down their synapses. I miss being surrounded by the people who know me well enough that they can just tell by the length of a text message if I'm having a bad day. I miss people who know that a tummy hug means I'm happy and "be safe" means I love you. I miss all these things so much that some days the lack of them keeps me in bed and the curtains drawn because if I can't have that, I don't want anything else.
But I still don't know what I'd do in the States. I guess I can keep an eye out for big kid jobs that are appealing, I'm not in such a rush to go back that I HAVE TO find something. Just a couple days ago, someone was advertising for a copy writer on their facebook. It'd also be nice to have enough surplus cash that I'm not panicking about making rent at the end of every month and can eat something other than chicken breasts and massive batches of tabbouleh. But going home means a couple lifestyle changes I don't think would make me happy. My personal appearance would have to be cleaned up - 8 facial piercings and a mohawk aren't exactly business casual in the states - not to mention the giant YOLO SWAG neck tattoo I'm getting on Tuesday (kidding, Mom). I also really dig being able to get everywhere in 30 minutes by public transport. It makes my morning commute much more therapeutic, plus I never have to worry about who's driving or will we need to call a cab? The night scene here is a shit ton of fun, and a great place to be young. There's about a thousand beautifully distinct bars for any type of evening you want to have, and it's cheap as dirt to spend a night quaffing beer in a bar decorated almost exclusively with stolen ladders and doors or sipping wine in a murder-mystery themed cafe. The whole mood of this city, too, suits me better than Denver ever did. There's a certain unspoken camaraderie of a million people all stacked together in a cold and dirty central european city. I feel like this place empathizes with loneliness.
But for all the pros and cons I can come up with, I guess the question I'm really asking is... Am I ready to grow up yet? If I came home, it would be the end of the adventure and the start of putting down roots. I'd get a big kid job, move into a big kid apartment, have a big kid social life that didn't exist in an inebriated stupor of bummed cigarettes and broken cobblestones, and then... what?
I've already lived in this city a cumulative year, which was the goal I set for myself, so I can come home at any time without feeling beaten. Right now I'm planning on staying another 11 months and coming home at Christmas, but no sooner did I make that decision than I had a really bad week of a thousand tiny annoyances cumulating into "I do not want to be here right now." So now, I have to ask myself, seriously, if I actually want to finish 2014 here. I can come home now, I can come home at the end of the year, I can go somewhere new now, or I can go somewhere new later. I don't know. Please message me what you think, though. I find I can clarify my thoughts in dialogue better than just mulling on this crap by myself.
... Nothing says you can't pick up and leave again. My parents left steady adult jobs and moved to Japan a few years into their marriage. It didn't make sense and people thought they were crazy. But it worked for them and that's what matters.
ReplyDeleteThat's true, and I don't think I'll live in America forever. I do see myself living abroad for another chunk of my life even once I'm done with this particular chunk. But I don't know when this chunk will be over. I've been living in something of a self-imposed exile because I was looking for something. I don't know if I found it, but I think I can come home now without feeling like I failed.
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ReplyDeleteAlright, a second go at commenting. Blogger and I have always had our difficulties.
ReplyDeleteThis may be unexpected, since I've basically abandoned my initial plan of living abroad "at least 5 years" this time. But, if you can manage it (I mean, if you can find happiness in it), I'd stay the year. My biggest regret is that when Ian and I called it quits after a year of living abroad the first time. I didn't have a real plan for American life, so everything was difficult about moving home. Except, of course, for being reunited with family and friends. Like you, I feel like my life is much better when they're active in it. Anyway, I spent two years floundering stateside. Had I stayed abroad initially, I would have done more and seen more (and been more successful in paying down some of my debt at the same time). For me, being abroad and living year to year was more appropriate at 22 than it is a 27. I know it's ridiculous and self imposed, but coming back abroad didn't feel like the success that I thought it would. I should have spent more time out here on my first go. Now I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Going home is my way to put those wheels down and actually move forward (I'd probably have figured out what I wanted from life a bit sooner had my first expat adventure been longer, too).
It is true that going back abroad is always an option (who knows, maybe in five years I'll be packing up again), so if you want to head home for now, it's not as if you're "giving up" on anything. But, if you'll listen to an old ladies regrets, maybe look for a better paying situation so that you can travel around a bit more and fully embrace the freedom of being off the North American continent (where it's a billion dollars to get anywhere). :)
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ReplyDeleteFirst, I didn't fall for that tattoo bait but you got your dad. He yelled "WHAT?" before he read on. Good one.
ReplyDeleteTHE SECRET OF LIFE as told by an Engineer to a Linguist:
Step One: And This is the Hardest Part - Figure out what you want!
(to have; to go; to do; next week, month, year, whatever...)
Step Two: Figure out what you have to work with.
Step Three: Figure out how to use Two to get to One.
Warning: There may be intermediate steps.