4 Reasons Learning English is a Bitch and a Half (Non-published Cracked Article)

I wrote this for Cracked and they never did anything with it, so I'm posting it here because it's worth a giggle or two.

4 Reasons English Grammar Sucks

Quick, what’s the difference between “You’re a twat” and “your twat”? What about “There be mermaids,” “They’re being mermaids” and “their mermaids”? If you said “Shut up, you god damn grammar Nazi, no one cares,” get off the internet. I hate you so much. If you said something about the grammar rules that dictate when we use these identical sounding words, you can stay. But did you know that’s really only the tip of the grammar dildo non-native speakers are constantly getting fucked by? Because that’s nothing compared to...

Articles make no sense to half the world

What’s the difference between Queen, the Queen, and a queen? All three would probably be bitching company over tea, but the dress code would vary wildly. That’s because the only difference is the article each one takes. And if you speak a language that doesn’t use articles, like every single language of Slavic origin (Russian, Slovak, Czech, Polish, shall I continue?), these are a fucking nightmare.

Here’s another one – what’s the difference between shouting

A)   That’s shit!

B)   That the shit!

C)   That’s a shit!

The dumb ass rule

There’s three types of articles in English – the zero article, the definite article, and the indefinite article. And just like the panties you put on in the morning, they’re pretty crucial to identifying what exactly you’re getting into.

The indefinite article, a or an, is like the everyday, Hanes six pack granny panties you put on when it doesn’t really matter. “I had tea with a queen” means I sipped hot leaf juice with either any fabulous elderly gentleman, perhaps in a line up of your choosing, or a specific Chardonnay-loving, earring-sporting AARP member who has not yet been introduced to the listener or to the conversation. “That’s a shit,” means that the subject of the sentence is literally a piece o’shit, just your run of the mill fecal matter.

The definite article, the, is the nice silk panties you slip on when you’re anticipating slipping them back off, you dirty, dirty noun. “I had tea with the queen,” means my lunch date was none other than Her Majesty, the Queen of England. It’s a specific person everyone involved in the conversation knows, or at least knows about. “That’s the shit” means that whatever I’m talking about is the specific shit, the shit to end all shit, the greatest of shits. It also means “Well, that’s cool.”

The zero article, not putting anything in front of your noun, is just going straight up commando – especially if you’re a non-native speaker, cause it probably means you’re going to get screwed. This we usually use for proper nouns, like “I had tea with Queen (and it was the shit).” We can also use it in front of certain abstract nouns, like “I had tea with Queen, and we had a rousing conversation about truth, justice, and rocking your balls off.” It’s also how we distinguish certain words that can be both nouns and adjectives – “That’s shit” could read “that’s awful” without changing either the meaning or the grammatical construction.

The fuck-you

Some proper nouns get the definite article – The United Kingdom, The Pacific Ocean - because (and I cannot stress this enough) screw you.

Our pronunciation hates you

Quick, read the following list out loud (bonus points if you’re at work and you just start spewing random nonsense out of your cubicle to the utter confusion of your coworkers):

Great Apes

Carpet

Send the Maid

Gray Day

Ice Cream

I May

Plum Pie

Scar Face

An Ice Man

Fantastic, you schitzo. If you’re a native speaker, and especially if you’re American (fuck yeah, America, being better at English than the actual English) that list should sound identical to this one:

Gray Tapes

Car Pit

Send them aid

Grade A

I Scream

I'm a

Plump Eye

Scarf Ace

A Nice Man

Still not hearing it? Here’s both lists side by side

Great Apes - Gray Tapes

Carpet - Car Pit

Send the Maid - Send them aid

Gray Day - Grade A

Ice Cream - I Scream

I May - I'm a

Plum Pie - Plump Eye

Scar Face - Scarf Ace

An Ice Man - A Nice Man

The dumb-ass rule

Cracked has already talked about all the stupid spelling rules English has. Spoiler alert – they’re stupid. But there’s another reason why, even independent of spelling, English is so easy to misunderstand when you’re listening to it.

English is a stressed language, in that pronunciation is dependent on the stress of a syllable. It’s the difference between pronouncing “epitome” as “eh-pit-OH-me” (which is correct) and “eh-pah-TOME” (which is idiotic). This isn’t so bad if your native language is from the same linguistic families as English – as much as we mock their accents, German and French speakers have an easier time figuring out where to put the stress on a word the first time than, say, someone who grew up in Turkey. But if you grew up speaking a language where the first syllable of the word is stressed no matter what, then you are going to have a very bad time pronouncing English words. Don’t believe me? Try learning Czech.

The fuck-you

The rules about where stress goes in a word are the inbred bastard children of ancient German, French, Latin, and some Greek. So rather than acknowledge them, we basically say they don’t exist because that’s easier for everyone.

Modal verbs

Three sentences, pick the most fun one:

        I would do coke with Charlie Sheen.

        I could do coke with Charlie Sheen.

        I should do coke with Charlie Sheen.

If you picked the third one, maybe seek help. Anyway, what’s the difference? The first, would do coke, is the typical start of a conditional statement – I would do coke with Charlie Sheen if he were here right now. The second, could do coke, talks about my ability to do a rail off a hooker’s ass. The third, should do coke, is an obligation – I should stop writing grammar articles and go find my soul mate so we can ride off into a coke-fuel sunset and/or bonfire. I can’t tell which it is because of all the drugs I do.

The dumb-ass rule

Modal verbs are funky, cause they don’t behave like regular verbs. Instead of conjugating (I masturbate, he masturbates, they are masturbating, she masturbated, we have masturbated), they’re paired up – can/could, may/might, will/would, shall/should, have to/must, and so on. They (generally, because fuck solid rules) function as helper verbs in a sentence to “change the mood.” Not like light a scented candle and turn on some Celine Dion, but change the grammatical mood.

Depending on which modal we use, we can talk about the probability of something (He might go kick children in the park today, or he may go fishing instead), our ability to do something (He could go kid-kicking, just like I can go fishing for hobos), talk about obligation (You really must stop hobo-fishing) or advice (You should stop kicking kids – it’s bad for your feet), ask for or give permission (May I go hobo-fishing? No, but you may go kick Timmy in the park), and even talk about habits (Grandpa would hobo-fish every Tuesday before he was killed by a mob of children in the park).

The fuck-you

Each modal can have several different uses, because seriously, fuck you.

We’ve got a minimum of 12 god-damn tenses

What? No, that doesn’t sound right. Everyone knows there’s only three – past, present, and future. You’re out of your mind, there’s no way there’s twelve.

You sure? A tense is just when the verb changes, the difference between I did your mom last night, I do your mom every Tuesday, and I will do your mom tonight. There, past, present, and future - simple. But wait! What about these? I was doing your mom last night when you called, I’m doing your mom right now, and I will be doing you mom all night long. Past, present, and future continuous. So that’s six, where are the other six?

The dumb-ass rule

We have three time periods, sure. But in each of those time periods there are four tenses. The simple (do/did) and the continuous (doing) are pretty easy to nail down. Past simple is a completed action, present simple is a permanent state of being, and future simple is an action likely to happen in the future. The continuous forms just mean that instead of the action being a one time thing, they were, they are, or they will be happening at the time we’re describing.

In English, we also have these nasty fuckers called perfect tenses, and they’re unpleasant. “I had done your mom already by the time you showed up” (past perfect) and “I had been doing your mom before your piano recital” (past perfect continuous) describe the past before the past, or past events further back on the timeline than whatever we’re talking about. “I have done your mom” (present perfect) is basically a past event with no specific time connected, either because it’s recent or because it was a big deal. “I have been doing your mom” (present perfect continuous) is an action started in the past and that hasn’t concluded yet.

And oh Jesus, the future perfect makes non-native speakers want to cry. “I will have done your mom twice for every member of the London Philharmonic by tonight” (future perfect) talks about an action that will be finished by a deadline. “I will have been doing your mom for six straight hours by the time you read this” (future perfect continuous) describes an action that will have started before a point in the future and will likely continue past that same point.

So, four types of tenses: simple, continuous, perfect, and perfect continuous. Multiplied by three because seriously…

The fuck-you

These are the easy rules. Each tense has at least two specific uses – some have six or seven. Also, see how this section is labeled “minimum”? Yeah, some people think that’s not enough and teach more than that. Gendered nouns don’t seem so scary now, do they high school Spanish?

Lessons from the Novice 6 month Nomad

I have, despite my best intentions, become a 6 month nomad. It's not a bad thing, certainly, but for the last, oh, two, years of my life I have been living my life in anticipation of the next move. I don't know if that'll change, now or later, but I realized when I was walking up Vaclavak and trying to inhale as much of my smažený sýr sandwich (which I still smell like) that I have accidentally learned some crap that may be worth while passing along. I should mention that this walk was on my way home from working on the bar crawl, so bear in mind it might disappear the next morning when I think "oh jesus, this is embarrassing." Anyway, what I done learned:

Ignore the "I'll do it later."

Life, and especially my life, is a long sequence of "I'll do it later"s. Little things like the dishes, paying rent before midnight, homework, grading, brushing my teeth. But also big things, like seeing that art exhibit and going skiing with my dad and traveling to this or that country and spending time with a friend. "I'll do it later" is the chief culprit of any regrets I have when I move. Because "I'll do it later" turns into "I wish I'd done it." I wish I'd seen Alfons Mucha's Slav Epic. I wish I'd gone to Paris to get a tattoo from Xoil, I wish I'd used my entire ski pass, I wish I'd put the effort into seeing that friend. Oh and my favorite - I wish the timing had been different. The "I'll do it later" is the boogie man of my life, and I am constantly fighting him, and constantly losing. But putting a deadline on things, knowing that there might not be a later to do it, has proven helpful. I'll travel to Cesky Krumlov later turns into I'll go tomorrow. I'll see that friend turns into let's hang out. It's a constant battle, reminding myself that I'll do it later isn't a good time to do it at all. Because in the last two weeks or two days or two hours before you go, suddenly there's no time for later, and you have to choose your priorities. Which leads me to...

Be selfish

Not always. In fact, not in most things. But you need to set your own priorities, and say fuck all to anyone trying to set them for you. I have found that my number one priority is friends and family, that people are more important that buildings, relationships more important than ticket stubs. I had to go to the other end of the world to find that out, though. And the whole time I was hearing "Stay!" from my mother and "Don't go!" from my roommate and "God, I am going to miss you" from my best friend. Not because they wanted to keep me from anything I wanted, but because they, too, were being selfish. Not meanly, not negatively, but they made me a priority, and then expressed that. A better heading for this would be "find what you want. Chase it. Or at the very least, annoy it until it comes to you." Not that you guys have been annoying me. And again, we segue into...

If they actually love you, they will continue to love you over Skype and Facebook

Don't read this the wrong way - long distance relationships are messy and unhappy with very few exceptions. They need a light at the end of the tunnel, because without that you're just running toward a train. I mean friendships and family and in some cases that one special person. Leaving really clarifies who matters, and coming back does the same thing. The people who make an effort to talk to you while you're gone are worth more than their weight in gold. Or Apple Stock, I don't know. The people who will always have time for you no matter the time difference, and the relationships that don't change no matter how long you've been gone, and the sensation of sitting at a bar a year later and still loving (platonically or otherwise) the person sitting next to you - those are what matter. But I'm being selfish, and these things are my priorities.

Try new shit

My funniest stories come from the time I tried new things - that one time I drank wine and ate blood sausage with a bunch of Austrians my parents' age, that one time my Czech boyfriend talked me into spending a day meditating, that one time I got handcuffed to a bar, that one time, that one time, that one time. Routines are comfortable. But nothing interesting happens in a routine.

Intention is nothing, interpretation is everything.

People are going to say things you don't want to hear. You'll say things they take the wrong way. Shit, in a word, fails. Things go wrong, and it is much easier to stop attributing that to malice and start attributing it to miscommunication. Beyond that, events out of our control can ruin almost anything. But how you look at it makes all the difference in how long you sulk and carry the hurt. There's a 50 pound luggage limit - bring as little resentment with you as possible.

Go.

Do it. Even if you come back, going is such a great foil for everything you're worrying about. No matter what you're running from or running to, the only thing you can never get rid of is yourself. You have to deal with you no matter where you go, and while it can be agonizing, the clarity you get a little closer to is wonderful. When you feign self-love, it comes off as arrogant. When you fucking earn that shit, it comes off as confidence. And no one - no one - is going to love you until you do.

Oh wow, this is sooooo getting deleted in the morning. 

I hate adolescence - The Poll!

I don't know how long I'll leave this up, but I'm doing that thing I do again. Not walking around the flat in nothing but my boxers (I am actually doing that, it's just not what we're talking about) - that thing where I crowd source my decision making process to the people around me. Normally, I send out a mass text and watch TV as the responses pour in, but this time I'll just stick it here and refer everyone to   just read this post.

I'm starting to put some serious thought into moving back to the States for good.

Not, like, immediately, I'm not miserable and I don't need to come home. But I'm getting less and less enamored with this lifestyle. I've written and talked about it a lot - one of my greatest fears is of being transient. I just do not like the feeling of impermanence. Part of it is stuff - sitting in four or five boxes in my mom's basement, I have a really well stocked kitchen with bowls and plates and a pasta maker and all sorts of wonderful cake tins. There are sprinkles and baking cups and frosting tips and wine glasses, a bathroom set that matches, decorative wall mirrors, hand towels, bath towels, letters, my grandma's diamonds, photos, tokens and totems of a happy (if uneventful) life of comfort and stability. The other - and bigger - part is relationships. Not romantic, that's not really a part of my life that's taking priority right now because lets be honest, anything I started right now would end before my 25th birthday. But I have a close collection of friends to spend time with, and even more importantly I have my family there. I miss, more than anything else, the unadulterated glee I would get from a friend calling me up and inviting themself over for dinner that evening. I miss baking well crafted cakes for parties and the happy exhaustion I get to enjoy while everyone tries to talk around the baked deliciousness currently shutting down their synapses. I miss being surrounded by the people who know me well enough that they can just tell by the length of a text message if I'm having a bad day. I miss people who know that a tummy hug means I'm happy and "be safe" means I love you. I miss all these things so much that some days the lack of them keeps me in bed and the curtains drawn because if I can't have that, I don't want anything else.

But I still don't know what I'd do in the States. I guess I can keep an eye out for big kid jobs that are appealing, I'm not in such a rush to go back that I HAVE TO find something. Just a couple days ago, someone was advertising for a copy writer on their facebook. It'd also be nice to have enough surplus cash that I'm not panicking about making rent at the end of every month and can eat something other than chicken breasts and massive batches of tabbouleh. But going home means a couple lifestyle changes I don't think would make me happy. My personal appearance would have to be cleaned up - 8 facial piercings and a mohawk aren't exactly business casual in the states - not to mention the giant YOLO SWAG neck tattoo I'm getting on Tuesday (kidding, Mom). I also really dig being able to get everywhere in 30 minutes by public transport. It makes my morning commute much more therapeutic, plus I never have to worry about who's driving or will we need to call a cab? The night scene here is a shit ton of fun, and a great place to be young. There's about a thousand beautifully distinct bars for any type of evening you want to have, and it's cheap as dirt to spend a night quaffing beer in a bar decorated almost exclusively with stolen ladders and doors or sipping wine in a murder-mystery themed  cafe. The whole mood of this city, too, suits me better than Denver ever did. There's a certain unspoken camaraderie of a million people all stacked together in a cold and dirty central european city. I feel like this place empathizes with loneliness.

But for all the pros and cons I can come up with, I guess the question I'm really asking is... Am I ready to grow up yet? If I came home, it would be the end of the adventure and the start of putting down roots. I'd get a big kid job, move into a big kid apartment, have a big kid social life that didn't exist in an inebriated stupor of bummed cigarettes and broken cobblestones, and then... what?

I've already lived in this city a cumulative year, which was the goal I set for myself, so I can come home at any time without feeling beaten. Right now I'm planning on staying another 11 months and coming home at Christmas, but no sooner did I make that decision than I had a really bad week of a thousand tiny annoyances cumulating into "I do not want to be here right now." So now, I have to ask myself, seriously, if I actually want to finish 2014 here. I can come home now, I can come home at the end of the year, I can go somewhere new now, or I can go somewhere new later. I don't know. Please message me what you think, though. I find I can clarify my thoughts in dialogue better than just mulling on this crap by myself.

2013 - The Year of the Pants

So (you notice almost all of my posts start with that word?) I meant to do a "year in summary" post before 2013 was actually over. I did not. I was busy, and by busy I mean distracted, and by distracted, I mean I was playing video games in footie pajamas and baking a cheesecake. So, 11 days into 2014, I present to you my 2013 sum up post that I am going to put little to no effort into. Enjoy.

I went looking for a laziness .gif and spent 30 minutes on tumblr instead. So you get this.

Why was 2013 the Year of the Pants, you ask? Well, New Years Eve 2012, I posted a facebook status about how 2012 was the year I woke up and I'm so excited to see what I do in 2013 and blah blah blah. So 2013 was the year I put on pants. No word on which year I'll actually get my ass out the door, but HEY! Pants are good, right? Also, 2013 has been largely characterized by me putting on my big-kid pants over a lot of things. And wordiness and crap and screw it, you all just want a list anyway.

In 2013, I ...

...got the hell over it. Got the hell over a lot of things - two break ups, both of which were held on to for far, far too long; paralyzing fear of change; attachment to a lot of my personal possessions; and finally, any silly notion that I'm an adult.

...got three more piercings, a tattoo, and a mohawk. Just in case there was any doubt that I am, in fact, a badass.

...finished college with a 3.98 and a sweet ass thesis, meaning my over-priced piece of paper reads "summa cum laude" on it. When I get my own place, that sucker is going on the fridge for sure.

...moved to Prague, where I am really quite happy, despite the occasional bout of soul-crushing homesickness.

...started a new job (career? Do I have a career now?) as a teacher, and I love it. LOVE IT.

...started dating casually. Decided I hate dating casually, which has doubled my TV consumption.

...made a whole slew of new friends, which tickles me pink.

...came out as pansexual to my mom and just kinda started working it into conversations with other people. If this has caught you off guard, more can be read about that here.

...started to get a real sense of what it is I want out of life. So far the list I've come up with is: to teach, to not be lonely even though I'm okay with being alone which is not the same as lonely anyway, to be a caregiver, and to bake more cakes.

...gained back the 21 pounds I'd lost over the course of the flu and a break-up with the combination of eating and excercise. Not eating right, but there has been a lot of eating this year.

...learned how to throw a punch, and put it to good use defending a plate of Mexican food when I came home.

...wore actual, physical pants as little as possible.

2012 was waking up, 2013 was putting on pants, so I guess 2014 will be... brushing my teeth? I dunno, I'm getting back on tumblr.

I was done with the post, and I took another 30 minutes to find this .gif for you, which means I've been writing this post for over an hour.