Being Home

I don't know who said it, but shortly after I made the decision to expat, I read an article by someone talking about the strangeness of being an expat. Admittedly, I've only been away for 6 months if you don't count study abroad (and really, you shouldn't), but I'm already starting to feel the effects. Specifically, this guy said that when you expat, you split yourself - you'll never really fit all the way into the place you move, you'll always be foreign and carry with you the experience of having been raised in a different country; and you'll never really fit in all the way in America anymore because you've been changed by living abroad.

It's a weird thing to experience.

Coming back after the last 6 months - and they have been a formative 6 months - I'm not the same as I once was. Somethings, for certain, are more comfortable here in Colorado. My friends and family are here, and there's never the panic of what I'll do with my free time (hang out with Mom, bake all the sweets) or do with my nights (dates might abound in Prague, but the best companions are here). Interactions with strangers are easier, and I've yet to have difficulty communicating anything to anyone yet. Even coming out of the bathroom and almost hitting someone with the door in the bar is less stressful here than it would be in Prague, because I can smile and say sorry without rifling through which languages the person may or may not understand. There's an abundance of food I've been missing (I had cold Chinese food from Coal Mine Dragon for breakfast today. Mmmmmm), and ingredients for cooking I've missed (I'm making gluten-free mushroom mac and cheese tomorrow for dinner!). The beer is sooooooooooooo much better here, and yes, my Czech friends, I will fight you on this. Right now I'm drinking New Belgium's Trippel, which is an amber ale brewed with water from the Rockies and fresh coriander right up the road in Fort Collins, and good luck finding something like that in Prague. Sure, U Fleku is three times as old as this country, but god damn do they need a new recipe. I can drive my car and blast the radio, I can strap on a pair of skis and flounce around in the snow, and I can wear shorts and a parka inside 24 hours of one another. I never termed myself a Colorado girl, but there's a special type of attitude in this place that I identify with, and it's hard to express to someone who didn't grow up here. I guess it's a sneakers-over-heels thing, a jeans and t-shirt at the club thing, a love of ingenuity, fresh air, good beer, sunrises, and good-natured sarcasm. It's more than just that, but Colorado, and especially Denver, will always be home, where I feel safest.

But... I don't belong here. Not right now, at least. And I think, right now, it's because I don't want to feel safe. God, my mother is going to love reading that. But at home, there's an expectation of who I am, and I don't ever have to push outside that. In Prague, no one knows me so well that I can hide inside their predictions for me. Here's an example - if I were to get bad news here, surrounded by the people I love, they'd swoop in and solve the problem for me. And, barring that, there would be an abundance of shoulders to cry on, couches to sleep on, and ways to wallow in my misery. In Prague, I can spend an hour or so on Skype with those people, but the next day, no one is making me coffee, no one is buying me a drink, no one is surprising me with flowers. I really am learning to stand on my own two feet. And also, the people around me know me well enough that they'd expect me to react badly before I even did so. In Prague, no one is paying enough attention, and I get to choose my own reaction. I have, so far, been choosing to sulk for a day or two instead of a week or two, and then move on. I'm much happier in my own skin in Prague. A couple more examples, if you're curious - in high school, one of my best friends told me I'd look like a dyke if I got an eyebrow piercing - I've had two. In college I was told not to try boxing because I couldn't handle getting punched - I got kicked in the head a week ago at MMA, my immediate reaction was to tell her to kick harder. Also in college, my mom and my boyfriend at the time both told me I'd be a terrible teacher and I'd hate it because I lack patience - on Friday, my most difficult student told me I'm the most effective teacher he's had in years. I love my friends and my family, I really do. But they box me in sometimes, and in Prague I don't have to deal with that.

So being Prague Cydney in the space where they expect Denver Cydney is weird. It's kinda like wearing a pair of pants that don't fit anymore because you lost weight. Not bad, because you're proud of the changes you've made, but kinda awkward.