Top Ten Responses when an Ex emails you

So I woke up yesterday morning to an email from a certain ex that more or less said, “Hey, I know I said I wasn’t going to talk to you until you broke the silence first, but I was clearly thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well.” These are the top responses rattling around in my head, and since I’m sick of  thinking about this and Blogger tracks my hits so I’ll know if he sees this (cue lighting crack and crazed laughter) I’m going to post this to get it out there and then proceed to go back to writing things I actually care about.

1)   The I Have More Willpower Than You  What part of “Have a nice life” means “email me in two weeks”? Hmm?

2)  The Blithely Diplomatic  I’m really flattered you’ve been thinking of me, and honestly, I’ve missed you too. But I can’t be friends with you because I can’t watch you be with someone else. That’s not a friendship if I can’t be happy for you, that’s me pining silently. And I really hope you don’t want to hear about the stable of men interested in buying me coffee (thank you internet dating). When the idea of you locking lips with someone less intelligent, less beautiful, and less funny than me stops dropping a knot in my stomach, I’ll call you. Probably. Maybe. No promises. More likely I’ll run into you and fuck it, I got nothing better going on so lets grab coffee.

3)  The I Won the Break Up  I’m doing fantastically, actually. Since I cut your sorry ass loose, I’ve been able to eat real meals, I’ve been baking, I’ve gone on a couple dates, I read a whole book, I shaved the side of my head again, I got three more piercings down the side of my ear, I’ve been baking like crazy, I threw a party, and I have been too busy to think about you.

4)  The Please Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass and Think About This  IF YOU WERE GOING TO EMAIL ME SO SOON, WHY THE HELL DID WE BREAK OFF CONTACT?! Could you please, just once in your life, put a little thought into something you did? And I don’t mean the “I’ve been humming and hawing over this for a couple days and I just really need to tell you how I feel even though it makes no god damn sense.” I mean, for once in your life, could you please be a decisive person? I told you pretty explicitly that the only words I wanted to hear from you were, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean it.” Say that, say it if you mean it, and if 100% of you is not in that sentiment, leave me alone. Please.

5)  The Oh Please  Oh go whine to your new girlfriend. You’ve got to have one by now, you’re you.

6)  The Can We Just Please Move On?  I don’t wish you any ill will. I don’t spend my time wishing you’ll get hit by a bus, I don’t hope you’re losing sleep over what a dumbass thing you did, I don’t stay up at night wondering what you’re doing. But I don’t want to talk to you. I want to close this chapter in my life, and the only reason I told that person to say hi to you was to be polite. It wasn’t a coded message that I wanted you to email me, I just didn’t want to explain to them what happened and I was being polite. Despite so much of what you say, I really genuinely think you are the least introspective person I have met and because of that you really don’t think about how I’m feeling, and I would appreciate it if you could think about what effect your actions are going to have on me first. I’m flattered, I really am, but when I’m ready to talk to you, I’ll talk to you.

7)   The Knock Yourself Out, Buddy You’re welcome to email me. In fact, go fucking nuts. But I don’t have to email you back. Or open them. Or acknowledge you exist.

8) The Oh, We're Ignoring Anything Happened Now? Oh yeah, I'm doing great! Have you seen the new concept art for Injustice: Gods Among Us? Go check it out and by the way, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU FOR A REASON.

9)  The That's Not Good Enough  Seriously, you still can’t be bothered to call me?

10) The You Lied and That Doesn't Go Away  Until I get an explanation for how you could tell me I’m the most perfect woman you’ve ever met and in the same breath tell me you don’t love me, I have nothing to say to you. Really, have a nice life.

We’ll see how long this stays up. In the morning I might realize that this is not taking the high road and take it down. Or I might leave it up because I refuse to communicate with him, but if I’m going to get emails from him, I’m going to want to respond somewhere.