Top Ten Responses when an Ex emails you

So I woke up yesterday morning to an email from a certain ex that more or less said, “Hey, I know I said I wasn’t going to talk to you until you broke the silence first, but I was clearly thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well.” These are the top responses rattling around in my head, and since I’m sick of  thinking about this and Blogger tracks my hits so I’ll know if he sees this (cue lighting crack and crazed laughter) I’m going to post this to get it out there and then proceed to go back to writing things I actually care about.

1)   The I Have More Willpower Than You  What part of “Have a nice life” means “email me in two weeks”? Hmm?

2)  The Blithely Diplomatic  I’m really flattered you’ve been thinking of me, and honestly, I’ve missed you too. But I can’t be friends with you because I can’t watch you be with someone else. That’s not a friendship if I can’t be happy for you, that’s me pining silently. And I really hope you don’t want to hear about the stable of men interested in buying me coffee (thank you internet dating). When the idea of you locking lips with someone less intelligent, less beautiful, and less funny than me stops dropping a knot in my stomach, I’ll call you. Probably. Maybe. No promises. More likely I’ll run into you and fuck it, I got nothing better going on so lets grab coffee.

3)  The I Won the Break Up  I’m doing fantastically, actually. Since I cut your sorry ass loose, I’ve been able to eat real meals, I’ve been baking, I’ve gone on a couple dates, I read a whole book, I shaved the side of my head again, I got three more piercings down the side of my ear, I’ve been baking like crazy, I threw a party, and I have been too busy to think about you.

4)  The Please Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass and Think About This  IF YOU WERE GOING TO EMAIL ME SO SOON, WHY THE HELL DID WE BREAK OFF CONTACT?! Could you please, just once in your life, put a little thought into something you did? And I don’t mean the “I’ve been humming and hawing over this for a couple days and I just really need to tell you how I feel even though it makes no god damn sense.” I mean, for once in your life, could you please be a decisive person? I told you pretty explicitly that the only words I wanted to hear from you were, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean it.” Say that, say it if you mean it, and if 100% of you is not in that sentiment, leave me alone. Please.

5)  The Oh Please  Oh go whine to your new girlfriend. You’ve got to have one by now, you’re you.

6)  The Can We Just Please Move On?  I don’t wish you any ill will. I don’t spend my time wishing you’ll get hit by a bus, I don’t hope you’re losing sleep over what a dumbass thing you did, I don’t stay up at night wondering what you’re doing. But I don’t want to talk to you. I want to close this chapter in my life, and the only reason I told that person to say hi to you was to be polite. It wasn’t a coded message that I wanted you to email me, I just didn’t want to explain to them what happened and I was being polite. Despite so much of what you say, I really genuinely think you are the least introspective person I have met and because of that you really don’t think about how I’m feeling, and I would appreciate it if you could think about what effect your actions are going to have on me first. I’m flattered, I really am, but when I’m ready to talk to you, I’ll talk to you.

7)   The Knock Yourself Out, Buddy You’re welcome to email me. In fact, go fucking nuts. But I don’t have to email you back. Or open them. Or acknowledge you exist.

8) The Oh, We're Ignoring Anything Happened Now? Oh yeah, I'm doing great! Have you seen the new concept art for Injustice: Gods Among Us? Go check it out and by the way, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU FOR A REASON.

9)  The That's Not Good Enough  Seriously, you still can’t be bothered to call me?

10) The You Lied and That Doesn't Go Away  Until I get an explanation for how you could tell me I’m the most perfect woman you’ve ever met and in the same breath tell me you don’t love me, I have nothing to say to you. Really, have a nice life.

We’ll see how long this stays up. In the morning I might realize that this is not taking the high road and take it down. Or I might leave it up because I refuse to communicate with him, but if I’m going to get emails from him, I’m going to want to respond somewhere.

Well this ain't gonna last

For those of you who followed along, you know that last year I worked two jobs plus a full load of school, which included trying (in vain) to learn Russian. Plus, it’s hard to enjoy life when the stick up your ass makes sitting painful. Funny side story: last May, towards the end of the school year, I was out with two of my male roommates enjoying a beer at a bar across the street from the business school, and a gentleman I had tried and failed to *ahem* “woo” ran into us. He liked both these roommates, and didn’t really have a knack for pattern recognition, so he joined us. As it just so happened, one of those roommates and I had drunkenly almost *ahem* “wooed” each other on occasion (why would I have a regular relationship when shitting where I eat is just so much more interesting?). Lips were a little looser and Lord of the Failed Wooing asked my roommate, “Really? Was it hard with that stick up her ass?” and they laughed and high fived and I glowered into my drink. Now, in hindsight, I find that joke really funny because, yes, I was too uptight, and yes that’s probably at least part of the reason I spent a year falling flat on my face. Anyway, back to this blog post. This year, I am only taking three classes in my native language, I am not working at all, and the stick-extraction is going nicely. Doc says I can probably sit within the next six months. So, because I know so many of you are not living this fantastic life, you can live vicariously through me. This is what my day looks like:

8 am: wake up naturally, check my phone, laugh and go back to bed.

10 am: wake up again, check my phone for text messages I inevitably ignore, and go back to bed again.

Noon: Wake up, grab my computer, and check Facebook, and Cracked, and Buzzfeed, and watch some TV

1 pm: Get out of bed and move immediately into the bathroom, where I take a nice hot shower. Or a nice cold shower, because it’s a total crap shoot in this building. Unless my roommate is home when I get out of bed, in which case I feel guilty because now she’s doing the two jobs and a full course load thing. If she’s there, I’ll actually go to the gym.

2 pm-5 pm: This varies. Some days I watch Friends reruns, other days I go back to my folks’ place and mooch my little brother’s brand new PC, cuddle their dogs, and eat their food.

6 pm: Make dinner. Or order dinner out. See, I dropped 13 pounds when I was abroad cause of all the walking, and another 8 pounds the month I got back because like I said, why do a regular relationship. So healthy eating right now? Not gonna be a priority until my pants fit again.

7 pm- 9 pm: More TV and/or Diablo, chat with friends or actually hang out with them in person. We’ve got a great apartment, every other night someone’s usually here. When I’m allowed to drink again (doc says no booze till I gain a pant size. Currently floating at emmaciated and staunchly refusing to by new pants because I don’t like looking like Skeletor) we'll go back out, which was becoming pleasantly habitual to sip a beer and socialize somewhere. Or if no one’s here, experimenting with different baking recipes.

10 pm: My minimal homework, most of which is essay writing, which I excel at. But you knew that cause you read this.

11 pm – 1am: More TV/video games/baking before going to bed.

2 am: I’ll usually fall asleep reading while texting various entities.

I know it sounds like I don’t do anything, and that’s because I don’t and it is marvelous. I also know there’s never going to be another period in my life when I can float through with this little stress. And god knows I have been stressed up to my eyeballs since graduating high school. So I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to keep sleeping in until noon and spending weekends cooking for my friends and getting coffee with charming nut-cases and being young and pretty and irresponsible because I haven’t done that yet and everyone ought to if they can get away with it.