Here I sit at my office front desk with the end in sight of what has been the longest summer of my life. For a couple different reasons (break up, being seven types of poor, living far away from my friends, killing time until My Adventure in A Post Soviet Country), not the least of which has been the office job I'm currently working. And while this job has been an interesting lesson in finding ways to keep myself entertained for long stretches of time, mostly by reading MSNBC and posting random passive aggressive fliers that have something to do with dinosaurs or bears (always bears with this blog...), it's also been a refreshing break. Prior to this, as you might be aware, I waited tables at one of many restaurants in a national chain whose logo is a big red vegetable (or is it a fruit? It has seeds and grows above ground.), which was nice for the money but gave me salad-dressing themed nightmares the first year I worked there. And before that I was a cashier at a failing family entertainment center/arcade, which as tedious as it could be, also involved a giant ball pit, mini golf, and go karts that were used for my entertainment more than they really supposed to be.
So this post was going to be a list of things of things I learned at my most recent job, specifically things that won't make it onto my resume, and then I decided to expand it to random, non-resume skills I've developed since my first job at 16. Also, yay for another list on this blog.
1) How to open and fix various machines without a manual - List includes, but is not limited to, latte makers, two different models of copier/printer, phones, computers, ticket counting machines, ticket dispensing machines, arcade games, arcade game guns, radios, microphones, bowling ball cleaners, bowling lane bumpers, soda machines, coffee grinders, restaurant dishwashers, sinks, toilets, microwaves, go karts, and three different models of leaf blower. Of course, I also know how to break all these machines in embarrassingly stupid ways, which is where a lot of this knowledge comes from. That, and being the only one present and bored enough to agree to stick my small, womanly hands where they weren't necessarily designed to go. Oh, and a carnival roller coaster. Add that to the list.
Dressed up for a resume - Quickly comprehends random tasks of a mechanical nature.
2) How to spell velociraptor - This one seems pretty self explanatory
Dressed up for a resume - Excellent professional vocabulary
3) How to talk to clients and customers - This might belong on a resume but in a more polished manner. Next time I'm in an interview, I'm not going to tell them that the best way to talk to someone whose repeat business you're trying to court is to talk slowly, avoid big words, and call them expensive sounding titles.
Dressed up for a resume - Communicates well with clients
4) How to balance and carry a variety of items that were not designed to be carried together in large quantities - Examples include over a dozen bottles, multiple plates on and off of trays, multiple drink glasses of various shapes and sizes on and off of trays, various office supplies, three different kinds of leaf blowers, and anything dipped in ranch dressing.
Dressed up for a resume - Excellent multitasking
5) How to arrange dead flowers to look less dead - Also self explanatory
Dressed up for resume - Natural eye for visual aesthetics
6) How to write really quickly - Although not necessarily legibly
Dressed up for resume - Constant note taker to enhance understanding of tasks
7) The order of the alphabet - Without singing the song in my head. Silver lining to the massive quantities of filing I've done this summer.
Dressed up for resume - Remarkable memory
8) How to drive like a bat out of hell - I am always really optimistic about how much time it will take me to get ready and out the door, which leads to me having just barely enough time to get from home to work once I'm on the road. Also, driving home, I win at traffic. If there were high scores, I would be on that board.
Dressed up for resume - Efficient time and travel management
9) How to stack and balance things not meant to be stacked and balanced - List includes plastic gameplay cards, metal tokens, foam play balls, golf balls, golf clubs, dishes, bowls, silverware, metal frying pans, wooden trivets, pens, manila file folders, chairs, and the entirety of whatever is currently in the office storage room.
Dressed up for resume - Uses space to its most efficient capacity
10) How consume caffeine - This might seem silly, but I have all the chemical tolerance of an eight week old puppy. It takes like a tenth of the normal dose of any state-altering substance to affect me, and since caffeine is also technically a drug, it "rocks me like a hurricane" in a very literal sense. But if the options were to fall asleep on the job or shake in a very suspicious manner, I picked to vibrate and thus picked up energy drinks in high school. Then it was shots of five hour energy while waiting tables, and now it's an almost hourly intake of coffee here in the office. I should be fair though, it's not always a need to stay awake. While waiting tables, caffeine was the only way to stay on your feet 13 hours into a shift. Even if five hour energy gives me the ability to hear my own ears.
Dressed up for a resume - High tolerance for long working hours.
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