Saturday, February 25, 2012

For being the antithesis of athletic, I sure am competitive

Short post this time around. I'm trying to get better at blogging, and I think one of the things that stands in my way a lot is that I want to have coherent narrative that is FUCKING HILARIOUS before I bother putting it on the internet. Thing is, funny/embarrassing shit happens to me all the time in like 30 second blurbs, so I should share that with all two of you who read this. Actually, I probably shouldn't, as a lot of these hilarious/humiliating things are a little too revealing for my buttoned-up self. Case in point: I got really drunk Monday and woke up in the basement. To put that in context, I sleep upstairs. That's funny, but also mortifying. And now the whole internet knows and I'm seriously considering not posting because of that ONE SENTENCE.

Guys, I think I have some issues that need dealing with.

Anyway, that post I was talking about. So tonight I went with my dad to the DU hockey game, and except for the last ten minutes of the second period, it wasn't an enthralling game. But nevertheless, my dad and I were standing in the middle of the opposing team's section and screaming our heads off at everything. Now, I'm not an athlete in any stretch of the imagination. Unless they've made video games and actual sport (pizza's a vegetable now, folks. It's only a matter of time.), I make the cast of the Big Bang Theory look like the Harlem Globetrotters. But despite lacking enough coordination to get the fork into my mouth 1/3 of the time, I realized tonight that I am hyper competitive about the weirdest things, hockey games I have no control over being the least of them. So I present to you a short list of things I'm unnecessarily competitive about.

Side quests on video games. Playing through Mass Effect right now (shut up, Eric.), and my need to finish them and finish them quickly border on the neurotic. And I say that this is competitive, because I do this in other games, too. On my next play through, and god knows there will be another play through, I'll have to do all the side quests again even though I know how they end, and if I don't do them faster this time, I'll get mad at myself. I watch my play through times on games with multiple plays to beat myself. And bear in mind, this means hours. Hours, folks. Between all my play throughs of the first Dragon Age, I've logged at least enough time to get an extra college degree.

Grades This one at least isn't so weird. Or a least I know I'm not the only one who does it. My academic philosophy is "You don't have to be faster than the bear, just faster than your slowest friend." Which makes no sense since the professor isn't trying to eat the class (again, bears on the blog. GUYS I HAVE WEIRD ISSUES), but it more or less translates into "You don't have to be smarter than the professor, just smarter than most of the class. And since I've got a 4.0, it works. I gauge how much work I put into the class by exactly how smart everyone else seems.

Sex... or at least opportunities to have sex And we're back to the weird shit again. Ok, in case you haven't clued in on this one, I'm more or less insane. So when I've been involved with someone, or even emotionally invested enough to want to be involved with someone, and then it doesn't work out, my competitive psychosis kicks in, and I want to somehow prove I'm better than them by dating as much as possible. I would say sleeping around as much as possible, but I'm like the least physically warm person you've ever met, plus I'm what you'd call "prudish to the point of being a Puritan" so sex never actually enters the equation. But the person I'm pissed at doesn't need to know that, so as long as it looks like I might possibly be more... active? than they are, I'm "winning."

Basically all my hobbies Which are... shit, do I have time for hobbies these days? Let's go with cooking, baking, and being a clever, charming young lady (hey, who said you have to be good at your hobbies?). So whenEVER I see anyone doing any of these things better than me and they aren't older than me, I get a little pissed off. Like I have any control over it. Fortunately, this weird neurosis I'm at least a little better at hiding than the rest of them.

Next time someone asks why I don't want kids, I'm going to point them to this blog and then ask, "What here makes you think I should be responsible for the next generation?"

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