So in the last year, I got dumped
twice – actually in a six month period, last year, I got dumped twice. And both
by… males? Calling them men sounds strange in my mouth, but they certainly
weren’t just “boys.” Creatures, we’ll call them creatures. Both times I got
dumped, it was by creatures I (at the time) saw myself spending the rest of my
life with, and they both made really big impacts on me. These were not light
relationships, and as such they were not easy break-ups. And they were both very,
very different. But I’ve been plenty of vocal about all this, so we don’t have
to rehash it. Enough time has passed.
Oddly, though, as soon as I got my
feet back under me (romantically, I mean. Every other area of life, I am
currently falling on my face every two steps), a whole slew of my best friends
(of which I have many, because I am blessed) got dumped. I won’t air their
dirty laundry here because that’s not my business, but it happened to a lot of
you guys in a really quick succession. And I remember really distinctly after
seeing a movie with one of these friends, the friend asking me “How do you know
you’re better? When does it get easier?” I’ve gotten this question from all of
you, in one form or another, and I’ve asked it about a thousand times myself
before that. I’m not a guru on this shit – I don’t know what I’m doing any more
than you guys do, but I want to help you. So I’ve compiled basically an open
letter of break-up advice. I hope it’s helpful, but at the very least, know
this: I love you, you can do it.
First, do not beat yourself up.
This is not your fault. And if it is your fault, rather than slipping into
self-loathing, take active, healthy steps towards fixing the problem. But even
then, it isn’t really your fault, not to the degree you think it is. You were
the best person you can be – and I know this because I was watching all of you
grow and put genuine effort into your relationships – and they still decided to
walk away. That’s not your fault, that’s them being an idiot. Maybe they’ve got
commitment issues, maybe how together your shit is makes them jealous, or most
likely, there was a maturity gap between the two of you. But it’s not your
fault, so stop laying in bed and saying “If I’d _________, we wouldn’t have
broken up.” Nope. That is not how that works. And doing that is not going to
make you feel better, so don’t.
Second, it doesn’t get easier
quickly enough for you to notice. You don’t go to bed one day miserable and
wake up the next morning totally fine. You don’t have the movie Aha! Moment
where suddenly your perspective changes and it’s all better. Life, though it
tends to cut itself into vignettes, is not a 30 minute episode of How I Met
Your Mother, an Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros song isn’t going to play,
you’re not going to go running through the rain, and there’s not going to be a
Big Moment where suddenly the hurt is gone. And I know that’s awful. You hate
sitting there, trying to pretend you’re okay, when really you feel like there’s
a hole in your chest cavity. You sleep too much, you eat too little, you can’t
pay attention to much of anything, and you constantly catch yourself trying
desperately hard not to think of the
person who hurt you so badly, and you can’t imagine ever feeling okay again.
But it’ll happen, I promise. Eventually, and I wish I could give you a time
frame, but I can’t – eventually, you’ll notice you’re sleeping less and eating
more, you’re more interested in the things and the people around you, and the
hole is gone. It’s a slow process, and you won’t notice it’s happened until
months, or maybe even years later, but eventually, I promise, it’ll stop
hurting like this. And the best way, I’ve found, to speed up the process, is to
stay busy doing things you like
doing, not the things you think you
should be doing.
Third, don’t over indulge in
something… for too long. The first chunk of this, when tomatoes make you cry
because that person always ate tomatoes on Tuesday with salt and ranch dressing and you thought it was gross but now tomatoes make you lose your shit, over indulge in something,
anything! to keep your mind busy. Spend as much time at work, with friends, in
the gym, (probably not at the bar), reading a book, playing a game, anything, as possible.
Stay busy. But eventually you’ll get exhausted by whatever it is you’re over
indulging in, and that means you’re past the hardest part. At this point, go
back to living a well balanced life. You’re not going to feel better yet, but
at least you’ll be back to pretending you can function normally.
Fourth, don’t rebound. Don’t use
another human being to fill the void, don’t jump from relationship to
relationship because you will never catch your breath. And if you catch yourself doing that, get out before you do too
much damage to yourself or another human. If you are constantly jumping from one person to another, it means you're using people for the function they can serve, not loving them for who they are. There are people in this life who never figure that out, probably because they're so consumed by the excitement of the chase and the misery of the break up that there is never any calm period during which they can figure out who they really are and what they really want. Don't be that guy (in the gender neutral sense) because I've dated enough of you to know that A) you're dumb and B) you're really, really dumb. And I've been that guy and I've watched you guys date that guy and also act like that guy, which just confirms points A and B.
Fifth, cut off the creature that
dumped you. Not forever, just until you’re ready. And then when you think
you’re ready, wait like another six months. But trying to stay friends, trying
to keep them in your life, just lets the wound fester. Fast and brutal is
better than slow and aching, like a Civil War leg amputation. Delete their
number and their Facebook, delete their family, all of it. They’ll try to stay
in contact, they always do. They try to keep the door open, because that way
they can change their mind, and they feel like less of a douchecannoe. Close
the door, and let them feel like a douchecannoe, because they are one. And part
of this – no break up sex. If you cared about them this much to be this
devastated, sex is going to be a violent chemical accelerant on the emotional
explosion you already are.
Finally, I wrote this to one of you
(you know who you are), and I really liked it because I’m vain, so I’m editing
it to be more generally applicable.
Hey -
I'll always have time your crises.
At the very least cause I owe you for dealing with Break-Up Cydney, at the most
because I care about you.
When we girls (can't speak for
dudes) find someone we're head over heels for in all the most intense ways, we
bend over backwards to make it work, the whole time forgetting you can't tie
yourself in knots to be with someone forever.
The best loves are not the loves
that hit us like a bolt of lighting on a sunny day. Those bolt-of-lightning loves are the loves that
change us, remodel our insides, and we either become better for them or we
carry their scars for the rest of our lives. But the best loves are the ones that
sneak up on you, the ones where you wake up one day and realize that the rest
of your life is sitting next to you in the bar making a joke, not waltzing
across the room making sex eyes at you. Movies lie to us, girls especially, and
tell us that we have to change ourselves to fit into the hole this
bolt-of-lighting has made in ground.
I don't doubt there was love in
your relationship, but there’s a difference between being IN LOVE with someone
instead of real, lasting love. Being IN LOVE is not only impermanent, it's not
as real. It's still real, just... to a less degree. It's like the Santa Claus
of love. Believing it's real makes the magic, and that's worth it in itself,
but eventually you realize it won't do for the rest of your life. For at least
a couple of you, the creature woke up to that reality, and it's sad they went
about dealing with it this way, but try not to focus on that. Focus on the fact that you
did the best you could, and eventually a you are going to see that and not need
to bend yourself into a pretzel to feel worthy of someone – and vise versa. You’ll
find someone else who doesn’t need to be bent into a weird shape to fit with
you.
Also, for now you need to burn the
bridge, and I’ll tell you why I do it so you understand. I cannot - CANNOT -
stay friends with my exes, but they always want to. I just can't go back. I
can't go back to the way things were before, and I can't pretend I never loved
them so intensely it lit up every corner of my life. My mom says I act, and
therefore should treat myself, like an alcoholic to these boys. I get addicted
to having them, really having them, and the only way to not let it destroy me
is to eliminate access to the addiction. Just like an alcoholic can't have even
one drink, I can't have even one conversation. For now, I think it’s safest for
you to do this, too.
I hope this helps. And you need to
know this: you are not dateable. You are not the person creatures fool around
with or have flings with. You are commit-able. You're they one they fall in
love with over a slow period of time, then bring to their cousin's wedding
cause they're single, then realize they don't want to go to weddings with anyone
else. The problem is, most creatures don't realize they want that or deserve
that. They want assholes or bitches because they're exciting and because they
think its the best they can do. It's frustrating for you, but you are going to
go through this a couple times until the creatures around you realize that they
deserve a nice person and learn to love themselves enough to let you love them,
too.
Be safe,
-C
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